Tales of A Tiger Mother |
| Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. |
By Dora Cheok
Amy tells Reader’s Digest Asia that she’s a little bewildered about how her book has struck so many nerves in the US.
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| Tiger Mom: Amy Chua |
Amy Chua: No. I did not think it would be. I thought it was going to be much more universal because it’s a memoir about struggles all parents have. I don’t think it would have been controversial at all if it wasn’t for the Wall Street Journal headline that was called, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior”. I don’t think people would have gotten upset over one person’s story. In fact, now that people are actually starting to read the book, I’m getting lovely e-mails from people who say, “Oh I was so mad at you after reading the Wall Street Journal article, but now that I’ve read the whole book, I love it”.
We all want to raise happy kids. We all have different ideas on how we want to do this. We all make mistakes and hopefully try to learn from them. I knew it would be a little provocative, but I certainly didn’t think it was going to be like this. My Dad said, “Oh Amy, nobody’s going to read this book. You’re not a famous person, why would anyone want to read your memoir!”
What do your parents think about the entire furore created by your book?
You can’t believe how wonderful my parents are. Before I published the book, my mother told me how un-Chinese the book was because it was so personal. But she actually loved the book. I would have never published the book if anyone in my family had been upset with it. This is the Asian part of me. My mother, father, three sisters, two daughters and my husband cleared every single line.
But my mother is right – a Chinese person would never publish [this book]. It’s so public. I think that Chinese people are much more private. Now that the book is out, my parents are the biggest supporters. I’m so lucky to have such supportive parents. They have encouraged me throughout all of this. My Dad said to me that someday people are going to realise how it’s changing the international dialogue. He’s very proud of me.
In your book you say, “You have to be hated sometimes by someone you love . . . and there’s just no letting up, no point where at which it suddenly becomes easy”. These sentiments are echoed by many mothers across Asia. There’s still very much the belief here that sparing the rod will lead to a spoilt child. What’s your view on really strict parenting?
I think a lot of Western parents don’t want to be hated. The prospect terrifies them. To Westerners, my book is saying, “Look, it’s not so bad to be a little strict and not give your kids too many choices”. In the west, there’s so much emphasis on creativity and freedom and letting your kids do whatever they want. But in countries like Singapore, China and Korea, where in some ways the normal upbringing is already very strict, the message of my book is sort of the opposite, that you shouldn’t be that strict.
My children grew up with one Western parent. My husband doesn’t believe in raising his voice with the kids and we don’t spank. They were really raised in a half Asian family. My book’s message is that we should try to find the balance. I believe that when children are little, you should restrict their choices. I like the traditional Chinese way. Respect authority and don’t just let them watch TV all the time. I don’t think kids under the age of ten can make good choices. I don’t think you can let kids who are five or six pursue their passions because that would mean they would be playing video games all day. But once they start to get older, the lesson I learnt with Lulu (Amy’s second daughter) is that you have to start listening to them. You have to start giving them more choices and more freedom. I really think it’s important to find a balance.
Sometimes I think we’re too strict about the choices we give them. When I was little, my parents really only wanted me to be a scientist or a doctor; they had never even heard of law school. I think even these days if you were to tell your mother you want to be a fashion designer, or an artist or a writer, a lot of Asian parents would be alarmed because they don’t think that’s a secure career. I like the strict Chinese way of discipline, hard work and academics when children are young. But when they’re older, you have to convey love to your child, you have to listen to your child and really strike that balance between creativity, choice and freedom on the one hand, which the west is very good at, and on the other hand, drilling, hard work and self discipline, which I think traditional Chinese parenting is very good at.
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| The family today with their Samoyeds. Photo: Amy Chua |
Yes. A Western upbringing tends to stress questioning authority, which is always asking why, why, why. A teacher will give an assignment and the way my husband and I react is very different. I will say, “Do everything the teacher says. Don’t question it, just do it.” Whereas my husband would say, “Why are they asking that question? That’s such a stupid question.” I think striking the best of both worlds is really what the book should stand for.
I think the Western emphasis on creativity may have gone too far. You give a little kid a piece of paper and say, “Hey, be creative”. I think that doesn’t make sense because you need to have the foundations first. I think it’s really silly to say, “Oh, let’s be creative with Maths.” Of course, you need to know how to multiply and divide and do all the basics first. On the other hand, in Asia, there’s too much emphasis on memorisation and drilling. I find that my Asian students in law school have trouble coming up with creative paper ideas.
Why do you think there was so much initial backlash about expecting nothing less than the best from your child? You say this again and again – don’t think your child can’t achieve. Here in Asia, that’s a given. Why score a ‘B’ when you can get an ‘A’?
I know! I’m shocked. I’ve been so surprised. My parents came to the US and they always told me that this is the land of opportunity. This is the country where you should try your best and you have to strive for excellence. I would say that actually half the people in the US, now that they’ve read the book, actually agree with me. But I think the first reason for the backlash is that there was a lot of misunderstanding in the west by people who have not actually read the book. When they saw the Wall Street Journal article, they got really defensive and angry. They didn’t realise the book is a memoir and they didn’t realise that the book is supposed to be funny. That list (see box), which is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek and ironic, was completely misinterpreted.
The second reason I think is that there’s so a lot of insecurity in the west right now about China rising and whether the shift of power is moving to Asia. Coincidently, that article came out the week that the president of China was visiting the US. It was also the week when the OECD’s Program for International Student Assessment results were disclosed. Asian countries like China, Hong Kong, Korea and Singapore topped science, reading and mathematics scores. The United States came in 17th in science, 14th in reading and 25th in mathematics.
I think I tapped into a double insecurity. Firstly, about the concerns of Asia rising and America falling and secondly, an insecurity we all have – are we doing the right thing with our kids? In the west, it’s not the case that all our kids are happy. There are very high rates of depression, teens on medication, and low self-esteem. There are lots of kids who do drugs and teenagers getting pregnant. There’s a real worry about our children and the timing sort of created this explosion. I was shocked. I went around trying to explain. I felt very misunderstood. I’m proud of the way I raised my kids but I do believe that there are many good ways of raising children. My husband came out great and he was raised by a very liberal family.
How have Sophia and Lulu handled this?
Much better than I have. My kids are so strong. Their friends and teachers have supported them. They are able to go look on the Internet – I can’t – and find all these nice things and say, “Don’t worry, here’s a good one Mummy”.
I find it incredibly unfair. Some parents let their kids sleep at other people’s houses, where they drink alcohol, watch TV for hours and God knows what else. But if you say you have to get all ‘As’ and practice the violin for two hours, then they consider that abusive. That upsets me. My kids grew up in a loving household. My kids and I are very close. I wonder if some of the permissive parents who are criticising me are even close to their kids. My kids have been 100 percent supportive. There were some very harsh words directed at me. And it’s because of my children and my husband, my parents and sisters, that I was able to pull through. In some ways, I think this is evidence in favour of how I’ve raised my kids that they supported me so well.
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| Baking with the girls when they're young. Photo: Amy Chua |
I think it’s something that’s missing from some Western parenting, but I wouldn’t say all. I got so many e-mails from Western parents saying they were very strict, how they’d do homework with their children and how they thought an ‘A minus’ wasn’t good enough either. There are a lot of Western parents that actually parent the same way I do.
But there’s also a significant proportion of the population, maybe more than half, that are much more permissive and they also don’t do the work. They don’t sit down with their kids. They tell them to go run and explore. Go have a play date. Go have a sleepover. And then they attack me for not letting them have a sleepover.
It’s so much easier to let your child have a sleepover. You send them to someone else’s house for eight hours instead of spending that time with them. My kids are often mad at me. But I also know that deep down they know the amount of effort and sacrifice I put in.
Battle Hymn is a very personal affair between yourself and your daughters. How does your husband fit into this?
My husband is an incredibly strong personality. He didn’t want to be a prominent character in my book, partly because he is such a strong person. My husband was always there in the background, asserting his views. He would say, “OK, our kids will do two hours of violin practice, but on the weekends we are going to the lake. We are going hiking.” I think my kids were raised openly with an emphasis on exploration. I hate dangerous things like scuba diving or skydiving. My husband has always made our kids do those things. He was a very strong presence in bringing balance to the family.
We never really had fights when the kids were young because he agreed with me that we should be strict. My husband loved his family but he regretted that his own parents weren’t stricter with him. For example my husband doesn’t play a musical instrument. He can’t read music very well. He wishes that he had been made to learn a musical instrument. He also wishes that somebody would have forced him to pick up a second language. As an adult, it’s very difficult to learn a second language. My kids speak fluent Mandarin and he supported me with this. When my daughter Lulu rebelled, my husband was the one that stepped in and said that something had changed and that we had to make some adjustments. I was very lucky that together we prevented a crisis.
From: Reader's Digest Asia : Tales of A Tiger Mother
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| Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother (Chinese Edition)《我在美国做妈妈》 |
